Jackson's First Birthday

Yesterday was a wonderful day. Jack turned 1 year old. Its so hard to imagine. When I woke up with him at 6am yesterday morning, it didn't even dawn on me what day it was until I had made his bottle and begun feeding him. I looked at him as he ate and when it hit me, I started to cry...it doesn't even seem possible. Last year at that time, I didn't even know he was going to be born that day. The doctor came in, asked me how I was doing, and he left as I prepared to sit in my hospital bed for another day. But that day changed our lives...those first few days after he was born, we weren't sure if he was going to be strong enough to make it. It was the beginning of an emotional rollercoaster. When I visited him, for weeks I couldn't stop crying. There was my beautiful baby, so tiny...fighting for his life...it took so long for him to get over 2 pounds, and then 3 pounds...we didn't think we'd ever get to hold him. But when he was 3 months old we finally did, and it was wonderful. Since he got out of the hospital in late September, I still feel like I haven't held him enough to make up for all that time that I didn't get to. Clint used to make me go lay him down because I never wanted to! Now he looks so big! And he's crawling all over the place. It makes me so happy! I loved having everyone over yesterday to celebrate his birthday, his life. Clint's brother, Steven, talked yesterday at dinner about how last year, on the day I went in the hospital after my water broke, we weren't sure how the situation was going to turn out, and he had called Floral Haven to see what services they offered. He said yesterday as he drove by the cemetery, with the Memorial Day decorations out, at a time when he thought his grandfather would come to mind, it was actually Jackson he thought of. As he told everyone in his Sunday School class about Jackson's first birthday and about driving past the cemetery, he began to cry. It fills my heart with wonderful feelings to know that so many people love Jackson and prayed for him, his health, his survival. I couldn't be happier.
Clint and I started our own tradition last night. Last year, after I had my epidural, once I gave birth to Jackson I was so heavily medicated that I slept all day long. I finally woke up at around 9pm, took a shower, and went back to my bed, wide awake. Clint brought his laptop to my hospital room and we sat in my bed and watched the first Lemeny Snicket movie. Last night, we sat in the living room and it dawned on me that never again will I enjoy being pregnant. Never again will I celebrate a baby's first birthday. As Clint held me, he suggested we go to bed and watch a movie, which I thought was a wonderful idea, sort of recreating the night one year before, and we decided that we would try to do the same thing every year on the night of Jack's birthday.